So, Nate and Chris were here at home this morning because Chris had to get a stuck plug out of someone's pool but his unplugger tool somehow broke? Something happened to it so he brought it home to weld on it to fix it. That wasn't working so he went looking for something else to replace it. In the meantime, Nate happens to mention "Katie must be happy. Her dog finally just had her first puppy. It's a black one". So, of course, I couldn't stop thinking about them. Like, I have feeling like I'm obsessive. I could swear up and down that I'm not, but my brain sometimes just drives me bananas. Like, there's so many time where I wish time could speed up just a couple days or a couple weeks. Like, I REALLY wish we could have our male pit here at home now. We just need a cage for him to stay in at night and a humongous bag of puppy food. Those are the last 2 things that we need. I've bought him his food and water bowl, some different toys, some different treats, and I got him a harness and leash from Dollar Tree cuz face it, he's going to be growing quick in the next 6 months to a year. But back to the Katie's dog thing...
Katie posted something on Facebook about the puppies and tagged Jessica in it and so I was able to see it in my news feed. Said something about her daughter guessing right about a certain color or pattern on two of the puppies. One is a tan and another one has spots. So, I had a battle to the death in my brain asking myself "Should I ask about the puppies or don't say anything so I don't look like a weirdo?" So of course, I have to look like a maniacal weirdo and post a comment. I asked "Is the tan one a female?" and she commented back something along the lines of "I don't know. I've only sexed 2 of them but I want to leave the mom and puppies alone at least for the first 24 hours so they can all relax". I totally get that! I would do the same thing. I mean, I may sex them as they're coming out, but I myself would not want to do much handling of the newborns either. But I've basically been beating myself up because I feel like I look or sound like some weirdo, obsessive, crazed person.
All I have been able to think about for the past like 2-3 weeks now is pitbulls and puppies. I have bought the puppy stuff here and there whenever I could, I have watched so many videos on Youtube about feeding dogs a raw diet (but Chris doesn't agree. He just wants to feed them dry kibble). I have watched videos of pitbulls giving birth. I swear I'm not doing it for weirdo reasons. I just love the miracle of birth. And, oh my gosh, the birth of puppies is just so beautiful. I really should've stuck with wanting to be a veterinarian from when I was little but I worked at Boyette Animal Hospital my senior year of high school and my manager was a major biz-natch so she kinda put a bad taste in my mouth about working at one.
And also, I've been nonstop jumping to Amazon because I keep doing surveys until I just hit the $5 threshold (or sightly more) so I can cash out with some Amazon credits and order more things. In the mail coming to me now is a 2pk of puppy Nylabones. I've also ordered and received a decal for my Tahoe back windshield that says "I love my pitbull" even though we don't have any of them yet. This morning, I ordered a hand-brush thing to scrub them when bathing them so I don't have to get that dirt or those fleas up under my fingernails.
I feel like I'm a huge mental mess. I can't stop thinking about pitbulls and puppies and then I'm worried that Katie is going to think that I'm a lunatic because she's not on my friend's list but I happened to comment on one of her Facebook posts like some crazy whack job. I just have so much going on. Maybe I have some form of ADHD? I mean, I'm definitely not hyperactive but my brain sure is and I just need a way to shut it off.
And I'm anxious and worried that we may not be able to see our little man puppy every weekend until we can bring him home. Every week of the beginning of a puppy's life is important. Week 1 is basically them just eating and surviving. Week 2-3, they start to open their eyes and their ears. Then week 3-4 they get more active (I assume because they can finally see and hear their surroundings). And next weekend he's going to be 3 weeks (actually maybe like 3 weeks and 2-3 days old) and his eyes should be fully open and hopefully his ears too.
I tried to keep him still on my chest or shoulder last weekend in hopes he would smell me enough so he can remember my smell so when he sees me and smells me again, he will smell the familiar smell and know that I am family. See, these are all things that normal people don't worry about.
I don't know, I mean, I'd like to chalk it up to the fact that the kids aren't here so I have more time to think about things and everything is kind of flooding my brain at once BUT these things have been on my mind all day and for a couple weeks now. I just wish I could slow down my brain activity. I'm always having a hard time falling asleep and forming sentences because I don't know what the next word will be out of my mouth and I stutter and stumble a lot. I hate it so much.
Did I tell you what my PCP told me at my appointment last week? She says "Your T3 and T4 are in a normal range so even though your TSH is higher than the 'normal range', your thyroid is fine". My blood boiled. Just because T3 and T4 are off does not by any means mean that my thyroid is fine. Why else does it choke me on occasion? Why is my hair falling out in clumps? Why am I always tired? Why am I always hungry? Why can't I lose any weight? And I'm not even staying the same weight, I'm constantly gaining no matter what! My eczema she doesn't seem to care much about because she doesn't have to live with it. I am pretty sure that's the last time I'm going to be visiting with her. Also, she has prescribed me 3 different things to take for my tickly throat cough thing. NO. I would like maybe a stronger milligram in an allergy pill, not 2 pills and a nasal spray. NO. She does not want to fix me. She wants to prescribe me stuff so I can keep going to see her sick so she can keep getting that insurance check. F NO. It was like pulling teeth before she says "I can refer you to an endocrinologist if you'd like" and I gladly accepted. But I haven't tried to find one and make an appt yet because I don't know when I'll have anymore gas money before my next check at the beginning of next month. I mean, Chris should have a nice check coming this Friday so I hope things work out.
I don't have a best friend that I can tell everything to. I like that people have faith in me that I won't go tell their problems or judge their issues but I don't know who I can go to to tell them that I think I have a mental problem. I also have depressive days. I just really wish I could get fixed with the first doctor I go to instead of being referred, basically telling me "hey I don't feel like doing my job so you can go make another appt to go see some other professional". Yeah, I realize PCP's don't necessarily specialize in anything so it's not up to her to tell me all about my thyroid like an endocrinologist should be able to. But she doesn't need to tell me that because my T3 and T4 are ok that my TSH is fine. NO. She needs to keep her comments to herself and simply put "I can check your TSH levels but if they are out of range, even if your T3 and T4 are fine, I can't tell you that everything else is fine". There are other things in this whole panel of blood tests that can also be tested towards the thyroid, not just those 3 things. But she has no business telling me that I am fine. I am very pleased with how my blood tests all came back. Basically everything was in the normal range except for my liver which means I need to cut down on the greasy fatty foods, I need to go out in the sun more often for vitamin D, and my TSH is higher than what it should be.
My hands are getting tired and I keep messing up. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Chris said he's dropping Nate off at home now and then he's going to hsi dad's to see if he has any money because his dad borrowed a bunch of money before he started working and now he's been working like 2-3 months and he hasn't paid Chris anything back. It can't take him THAT long to catch up on his bills. We only have tuna and eggs here as protein. Otherwise, we have no meats in our freezer. I was going to make breakfast for dinner. Scrambled eggs with ham and cheese on toast as sandwiches and cheesy grits on the side. I SHOULD have like half a block of sharp cheddar left and we only have like 2 slices of sliced cheese left. But like breakfast sandwiches and cheesy grits for dinner... that's kinda blah and I don't expect Chris to be able to fill up on that. He likes BIG dinners. I've gotta tame the beast. I always give him more than half of dinner and I usually just eat a small plate. He doesn't get that. He thinks I feed myself as much as him or more than him. I don't eat a lot. I missed lunch today. And breakfast was a small protein bar. I am so hungry. It's 6:30pm now. I'm kind of afraid to but... I think I'm going to go make me a breakfast sandwich for dinner now. The kids are still at Violet's and Chris probably won't be home for at least an hour. I just need something. Stay cool, my friends.
Kayla Dobbins
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